It all started many years ago. When I decided to move out of my homeland in search of greener pastures. It was way back in June 1997 when I left the Philippines. With the promise to myself that I would be back after one year. After almost three decades, now, I slowly start the preparation for my promise to myself – the long delayed journey back home.

I never thought it would be difficult. Heck, I really did not think much about it at all.

Until now, it seems like everything that I had to go through when I moved to Europe, I have to reverse. I left to find a better future. I did in one way or another succeeded. I could establish my life here in Germany. I, like many others had to go through all the discrimination, stereotype and all the craziness that Filipinos experienced from their countrymen. Sadly, yes. The Filipino mentality of ingit( jealousy), yabang (bragging), and the never ending “keeping up with the next Juan/Concha attitude.

With much effort, I am glad to say that I survived. My world became smaller in exchange for peace and content. I learned how to live without having to please others. I strived to work hard and develop myself without stepping on others. I got ridiculed for being Eurotrash- simply because my husband is 12 years my senior. But despite of it all, I prevailed.

I concentrated on working my way up at work. I struggled. I sacrificed everything that was left of my youth and productive years knowing full well that I will someday soon enjoy the fruits of my hard labor.

That someday is somewhat getting nearer now. Parang, isang abot-kamay na lang. Or, ilang tulog na lang.

But now that it is getting nearer, I sometimes feel like I am walking on thin ice.

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The pressure is on!!! So far, in the qualifying round, the team with best standings are Germany, Portugal and Spain. Needless to say, I am tipping for Germany. In last night’s game against Switzerland, the German team definitely had it bad. The first goal was not counted. Apparently it was offside-goal. After that, each goal attempt somehow wouldn’t go in anymore. No matter how they tried to attempt a goal up to 80++ minutes of the game, they didn’t seem to have luck on their side! Until, finally and literally last minute, Füllkrug made it with a head-shot. The game ended with 1:1 which brings the German team in the lead in Team A and in the whole EM 2024.

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Ice breakers do help a lot. In certain situations, if you do not want to be branded as obnoxious, rude or arrogant, you need to have a bagful of ice breakers to get by. For me, my name is enough. Call me egoistic, but i would not dare disregard if somebody mentions my name or call me by my name to get my attention.

If somebody calls my attention with my first name, Hannahlo – then that person must know me from work or at some point, maybe a distant acquaintance. If somebody calls or addresses me as Miss or Ma’am, then most probably that person is a guest or customer or client. If somebody calls me by my pet name, Ayls, ‘Nang Ayls, Ayling then it must be my hubby or my immediate family member. Both my blood relations and my in-laws call me “Ayling”. Endearments like “Ateng” , “Ateng H” would come from my dearest and closest friends who are either here in Germany or somewhere else in the world. I am also referred to as Han, Hannah to which I also normally respond to. suffice it to say, I usually reply depending on how I am addressed. Mind you, if you whistle or start blabbing to me without me looking at you in the eye, well… you won’t be able to get any reply. Call me snob, obnoxious or arrogant… but I simply won’t.

If by chance we know each other, but I just walk on by… please do not think I am ignoring you or pretending I do not know you. The most probable reason is that I am zoning out during that time or I do not have my eyeglasses on, therefore I am not able to recognize you. Most of the time though, if we know each other for a while, then I would recognize your voice… only then will I, yes I promise… I will say hello and stop by for a few minutes to exchange pleasantries.

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As a child, I was always told to prepare for the future. Now as a soon to be pensioner— I am always thinking of preparing for the future although short as it may be compared to the future i was preparing for as a child and the present that took almost all my life.

What is one supposed to do? Ho does one prepare for it? What does one need to know?
I tell you, although I may have gathered all the experiences and lessons I have learned throughout my entire life, I still have to consider factors that are still going to happen. Factors that are unexpected but may also bound to happen. Factors that are part of my fate… and the most important is the destiny that will always happen. Sooner or later, it will, dare I say eventually!

Yes, much to my regrets, I have waited too long to start preparing for retirement. I was always confident that having a place to live in Manila regardless of the size, was enough for my husband and I to stay at when we retire from work. I forgot to consider our comfort and more so, to be able to enjoy our hobbies while we live a serene stress-free life in a not so hectic environment. Conclusion: we look for a place outside Manila. Not too far out in the outskirts but definitely out of the Greater Manila area.

So, I started searching for an optimal place.

Looking at “Ready for Occupancy” houses was the original plan. Big enough for hubby and myself, not too far out in the province and most of all, affordable and fitting to our budget. The websites, Lamudidotcom and DOTdotcom helped me a lot. Although, I still needed to make time and invest on seeing the houses myself.

It’s amazing how many houses/properties are being sold at the moment. It seems like the business of build and sell is booming.

To start with, I needed to know the location. When we hubby and I started planning on the retirement house to prepare, we were actually going towards North of Manila. Pampanga, La Union or even Bataan.

Somehow, in a short span of time, we switched to South or Metro Manila. Not really quiet sure now how it happened. Well, not, I think I still remember how it happened.

Whilst hubby and I were in Manila last December 2023 for a much earned vacation, we were invited by our friends who came to visit us in Germany early that year. They brought us to the new-Boracay and showed us around Manila as well. It was an awesome experience. One that will definitely go into my list of “Milestones in my life”. While we were in Boracay, during a chilling time at a bar called “OM”, sniffing on my Shisha lamp, we started talking about getting a retirement home on the Island. There is a place there being developed that seems like paradise. We had lunch in the area and visited some condominium units that are for sale, well to see and compare to house and lot properties. The difference, comfort, the environment and area of recreation as well as security are big factors to consider. Of course, needless to say, we fell in love with the place. The problem was, the developer didn’t have a bigger unit available for us.

So the search continues.

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If it is true that a person has 4 lifetimes, I do wonder sometimes in which lifetime I am now.

If it is the first, at least I know I will have more chances of improving myself. My attitude, my outlook in life.
If it is the second, I thank God that I still have three more lifetimes to enjoy.
If it is the third, then I am grateful for the chance to be able to help others and myself for a better future.
If it is my last, I can only say that I am thankful to have lived a good life. I appreciate everything that happened to me. I am happy to have met all the people who helped me turn out to be how I am now. Those who molded me, my personality and way of thinking-I thank thee!

To the people who helped me reach some parts of my destiny (or perhaps it was faith) in this life, I know and believe that it was not a coincidence, it was just meant to be. You came to my life for a reason and it has been fulfilled.

To you who came and went; who could not stay in my life, I regret but I also could not stray. It was a nuisance but one that had to happen. Still I am thankful for the time together. At one point or another, it has also helped me mold my personality.

To you who are part of my life not by choice, I would be happy to have you again in my next.

To you whom I only dreamed about but could not be a part in my life, and if it is fate or destiny, maybe someday in some other life, it will then be.

For only one Great Being can tell and can assign everyone’s destiny.

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When it comes to Fate there are no so-called Coincidences. Fate is determined by the choices one makes. This is why each and every individual in this universe be feel like gods in their world. Every single person can actually design and engineer his/her own life destination.
But what if, and only if.. indeed it is possible that Fate chooses the person? In example, what is bound to happen, will happen, as Fate wills it so. Would this be then Destiny and now anymore Fate?

So, when does Destiny become Fate? Destiny is preordained by a higher Being. Destiny is a gift from God.
Suffice it to say, when Destiny takes over, it will always win – or not?
Will Fate then be erased and forgotten as the Will of the Great Being precedes Fate?
In this case, is it because Destiny always overrules Fate?
Or is it because, the choices one made was also Destined to happen?

Fate and Destiny? How can it be determined which is which?

Is it my Fate to live longer because I chose it to be?
Or is it my destiny to live longer because it was preordained?

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Hooraaah!!!

I will be celebrating Christmas in the Philippines again. The last time I spent Christmas there was way back in 2010.

The perks of celebrating Christmas in my birthland is.. well.. needless to say important because it will be time spent with my family. Cheaper, because I have my own place there – no need to book for hotels and car rentals. And of course, I know the go-to places during holidays. Or at least I thought so. Until my youngest brother flatly pointed out to me otherwise.

I said to him, I want to go visit Palawan.. he said, nahh.. better to go to Siargao Island.
I said to him, I want to eat at Vikings..he said nah.. that is sooo last decade. There are more better places to eat at nowadays.. no need to go to the malls for that.
I said to him, I want to go shopping at Megamall.. of course he said to me… that’s your problem. I don’t go shopping anymore!! Hahaha. So I said, where do you do that nowadays? He goes, well I have three sisters living outside the Philippines, big brother whom I can rely on for man stuff and daddy stuff and of course my mom in Chicago, so where do you think I go shopping?

ooohh.. I forgot. We do send him whatever he needs and even stuff that he does not need. That of his son Rhyzee as well. Rhyzee is my newest nephew. His name is Rhyzel Kristof, but I call him rhyz, rhyee or rhyzee. And for Ladeedee, well, I try, but honestly, after some years, I still don’t know her preference. She always just smiles when I ask her want she wants. So I guess, she already has everything? 😉

Almost everything else that they need are sent either from the USA or from Europe. The perks of being the youngest brother. Don’t get me wrong. He is not spoiled. In fact, he hardly asks for anything from us. If we ask him what he wants or what he needs, he just just say, “Wala. I’m good”. Save niyo na yan for your trip”… Ganun siya. But we buy him stuff anyways.. kasi baby bro namin siya.

Anyway, so, going back, I wanted to go to a resort for a week. He said he would look into it.

Sofar, the choices:
1. Batangas
2. Quezon Province
3. Cagayan de Oro – Camiguin

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I don’t know if any of you noticed, but since I have been home during the last three days, I have had the time to scroll through FB. Well, I thought I could. It turns out that FB Meta is now collecting a monthly fee to use the platform without any adds. One needs to subscribe.

To me the question is just, is it worth it to pay a hefty yearly costs of 119,88€ if you are using a laptop/desktop to access it or 155,88€ if you are using a smart phone? The fees are 9,99€/month or 12,99€/month respectively.

FB was doing fine in the beginning. It helped people connect to long lost family relations, friends, schoolmates, etc. It helps some in their business advertisements. It did good to some. But unfortunately, it also gave crazy ideas to others. Some use it as a means to share their stupidity and vanity, posting their mansions, luxury belongings, cars and their eccentric lifestyle in FB.

I try not to let it affect me. Its their own tick and own cr** to flaunt to the world, but I honestly find it disgustingly annoying.

Going back to the “fees” issue on FB, what to do? The whole world is already addicted to FB. It will definitely earn Zuckerberg a few more digits to his bank accounts. For me, I am sticking to this blog site. Every now and again I guess I will use FB, but I do not need to pay for it. At least for now, NOT yet… and hopefully it will stay that way.

Day seven: How about you? Ready to join in the craziness of some, too?

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And just like that, the year is almost over.

It’s a cycle… just like a birthday, anniversary or menstrual experience of women. Well, something that happens longer than 28 days, anyway.

Somehow, deep in my subconscious, despite having had a positive outlook before 2022 ended, I had a gut feeling – a weird feeling to which I decline to describe as negativity. I couldn’t fully believe and accept then, that the year 2023 would be much better.

Alright, perhaps I am being bias, but I can explain. This is my own personal insight from the recent happenings on what is going on globally, be it pandemic, war or political and civil unrest in different parts of the world. Remember the 2020 pandemic that supposedly originated from China to which the Chinese tried to send out signals that it came from somewhere else and was only discovered by them. This, just like the Spanish flu that happened way back in 1918 that cause millions of deaths around the world. This also halted the economy and caused a lot of businesses to fail due to the complete lockdown. The whole world stopped. Nothing was generating income and government had to subsidize for the people to survive. People had to live a life in seclusion for almost two years, at least those who lived and survived. But millions of people also died – a death so lonely because they couldn’t be with their loved ones till their very last breath expired. So sad for the families who got left behind, feeling so helpless that they were not allowed to be with their ailing family member till the very end.

Although I wanted to remain positive about what the changes 2023 would bring to our lives, somehow, after having experienced the pandemic times, I deeply believed that 2023 was not much better than 2020 and 2021.

Remembering 2022, just when normalcy slowly crept in, a sick and twisted fate shocked the whole world once again. Come February 2022, Russia attacked Ukraine and the vicious cycle started over again – my gut feeling started to become a reality.

Worst was, going down towards the later part of the year, “the war between the Israel and HAMAS in the Gaza on Oct. 7, is the latest in seven decades of conflict between Israelis and Palestinians that has de-stabilized the wider Middle East. In Hamas’ rampage, some 1,400 Israelis, mainly civilians, were killed and 229 were taken hostage” (Reuters 01.11.2023).

And whilst this unrest was happening in the western hemisphere, on the other side of the horizon people were struggling to survive the natural calamities that also wanted to take part in the party of tragedies. Earthquakes, heavy rains, flooding and landslides, name it all. Mother nature also wanted to be recognized. She is like the CEO of it all, suddenly joining the Board meeting unannounced. She arrived in grace and style. As if to say, “Show me what you still have. How do you plan to surpass all these? Give me my worthy share of respect in attendance.”

We still have less than two months until we welcome 2024, and who knows what else would come. Somehow, I feel like the cream topping of it all has not yet dawned on us.

Considering all these unimaginable changes that came together with 2023 I hope that when the year changes, just like weather, I hope it will also bring a nice breeze of Spring wind and healthy sunny days with it. Hopefully, when 2023 ends, with it the war and political conflict that has affected thousands of people around the world will also stop. It has done more than enough damage. The whole world has had enough of deaths be it from the war and or from the pandemic.

I hope 2024 brings with it a good change.

On a personal point of view, it was overall a good year for me. I could survive being on furlough from two months. Whilst all my other colleagues were obliged to stay home, my immediate superior and I had to continue working both remotely and partly on site. So, I could keep my sanity intact trotz the lockdown. I also got the opportunity to learn another aspect of the business that my company has been handling. For this, I am really forever grateful to the people who entrusted the job to me. When the operations was recalled, the whole team had to undergo a big change as well. Our relocation was the main part. A couple of colleagues were scheduled to go on a long term maternity leave, so we had to hire newbies. From the interviews, trainings and helping the newbies settle in, as well as organizing a smooth relocation was just part of the action that I had to undergo after the the calm had passed. All in all, everything has been established well. Of course, all of it would not have been possible without the support of my whole team.

Now, towards the end of 2023, I am already looking forward to the year 2024 and the surprises that it would bring. Though it might be a given that the new year could also bring in a bit of unnecessary bad luck, I am still more optimistic than before.

So, as early as now, i am preparing myself for the new ME and what 2024 has planned for me. (This may sound selfish and egoistic but hey.. this is my humble abode in the web, so bear with it 😉 )

Get rid of the old, the clutter and negativity!
Shoo away hatred, bitterness and animosity,
The New year will soon be here, oh 2024 bring me…
Fill my jar of wealth with brand new hope and more prosperity.

Day six: Eever hopeful, let us be!

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It’s not working out anymore
Through the years of ups and downs
Hot and cold and a mixture of in-betweens
Sometimes true joy and proud success we did share
Alas! its not enough to last another decade of our years!

Day five: Fated, we are not!

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Should be a lucky day for me!
(eleven hours later)
It was …

probably…

sort of…

Sure, why not?!

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Another year has past!!
It is true how time just fly by.
The seconds and minutes and hours.. turn into days, weeks, months and eventually years…
Years turn into a decade… and now it has been 5!

The joys and pains,
The sacrifices and rewards,
The wounds took time to heal..
Now one can hardly see any scars engraved.

What does it bring me? Who else can tell?
Through all the years it has been, and yes, life has been fair.
Acquaintances just come and go,
But real friends family will forever be there!.

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My one regret in life…

Why did I not think of it seriously?
When I was studying and was told to start planning a career path
From choosing the course, which studies to major in, I thought…

Well, I really don’t know anymore what I was thinking.
I was much too much distracted…
With silly things actually, and also with financial problems.
At that young age, it should not have happened.
But then, in my country back then, like so many other families it was a common thing.

The children are raised helping the parents get by in life.
Only a small percentage of the families were living a comfortable life…
where the children are not burdened with the obligation to help the parents.
Even now, I guess to most families it is still the same.

After working hard. Taking risks and being brave enough to swim
Among the many different kinds of fish, poisonous, prickly and slimy fins.
Swimming among piranhas, sharks, stingrays and whales.
Surviving is the only name of the game.

Regrets?.. well, I don’t have time to mull on it.

Day Four: I must come out of my C-zone!!!

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Springtime should actually bring in good vibes, hope and fresh start. Just like autumn brings in melancholia and downtime after a busy summer. A time to slow down and relax before starting off for the next busy time with the series of Holidays following afterwards.

Seasons changes 4 times in a year. Sometimes it comes early and sometimes it comes late. It could be extreme or just mediocre. I know of somebody who would describe a season as lousy!

I on the other hand cannot be lackadaisical about seasons. I originally come from a country where we have only two types of climate: wet and dry. Wet could come bringing along blasting winds and thunderstorms. Causing flood and chaos. In the middle of it all, or perhaps a bit after the weather has calmed down, the weird way the Filipinos adjusts to the situation, calamity or otherwise has always been very commendable. Helping each other with smile on their faces despite the tragic situation. That is just how it is. The culture is totally different. It might be the same in other parts of the world also, but I cannot vouch for that. I can only truly say I experienced it myself. That is how it is.

Ok, to deviate from the deviation… (funny, there must be a better way of saying that).

Dry season on the other hand, could be so cruel, but still everybody embraces it. The heat, the sweat the tangent smell! Combine that with pollution and the worst is already there.

People go out wandering in the mountains or island hopping. Although it is terribly warm, the grand turquoise beaches and crystal seawater, of the lakes or lagoons make the weather bearable. Some also succumb to the public pools and recreational resorts with several water fun activities. The downside, it could get very expensive. Either you stay at home and risk of having the air-conditioning on all the time. Or you travel out but the expenses could also soar like the temperature. So, it’s up to you how you want to cherish and enjoy or suffer. Main thing is you learn to live with it.

All right.. I admit I got lost in my flow of thoughts again.

Forgive me for being such a neuron-case.

Okay, so, just like spring, dopamine is running excessively in my veins. Just like spring is bringing good vibes, my mind is playing a trick on me. I am fantasizing about how I will spend my retirement days. It is still some years ahead, but I just can’t seem to wait anymore. I am going back!!!

Going back to my roots – yes! I am going back to the Philippines. Not yet for good, but hopefully, a good start to a new project.

After spending more than two decades of my life outside the Philippines, I think I have earned enough stars to finally give in to the urge of home-sickness. When that time comes, I would have lived longer abroad than in my homeland. Who knows how I will fare. The ways, the habits, the mentality and the culture. I mean, of course I am still very much a Filipino. But I can also imagine that people will see me otherwise. Except for my physical features, I do admit that I have also evolved and have gotten used to the European way of life. The European way of accomplishing things. Needless to say, since I am a Filipino through and through, I would definitely readjust again to the Filipino ways. As they say, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do”… but then again, I still can help but wonder how I will manage it. Or how others who knew me before would see me now. Jajaja!!! It should really not matter. I shouldn’t care. I should just live my life as how I want. I guess, I will do just that!

Hold on, my project! My symptoms are showing. Do you notice it? Yes, ADHS is somehow creeping through every sentence I start with. Going back… I need to prepare for a proper retirement.

First off: a new residence. Looking for a second homestead. Preferably outside Manila but not too far out also.

Second, a place enough for two but can also accommodate my visiting family.

Third, something that will not eat up a big part of our retirement savings.

Fourth, somewhere where I can still do my hobbies and where husband can also enjoy his.

Keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for success in this endeavor.

Day three: Houses for sale are aplenty… what is for me to find is somehow tricky!

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